Surviving, Not Thriving.

Shawna Kitchin

Motherhood is weird. It’s something that I feel like 10 years down the road, it’s still not something you just get used to. All of the sudden one day you have this tiny human that depends solely on you and you have to keep it alive. You can lose sight of yourself, or you can kill the motherhood game. I on the other hand have turned into someone I don’t even recognize. I’m starting to think this is the new me. Almost like I’ve started to grieve my old self, even though deep down, she’s still right here. 
Its hard y’all. No one really prepares you for the struggles of motherhood. And no one prepares you for how lonely it is. Yeah, you have your mom tribe and your same friends but it’s all different. If you have a fussy baby, you dread doing anything because you don’t want to annoy anyone around you. If you have a clingy baby, you want a break but feel guilty because you know exactly what they want. If you have a difficult baby, it can seem like the days and nights of the hardship will never end. If you have a happy go lucky baby, well there must be something wrong because no one gets that lucky. These are all the things mothers think or struggle with because no one is there to tell them otherwise. 
I’m a type of person that gets stuck inside her own head. I let my thoughts consume me. I focus too much on the what if’s and should haves than what I’m doing right and I know. Guys, I’ve kept a tiny human alive for 9 months. That’s got to count for something, right? But then I get inside my head. I let other people and strangers tell me what I should be doing. Things I know don’t work for us, but they’ve had kids so they know what’s best. This is something I struggle with ALL THE TIME. Comparison is a thief of joy too. Instead of focusing on the happy and things we’re doing right, (like I know I should, but again my head is telling me otherwise), I focus on what others are doing. Then I get down and I question if I’m a good mom. 
I’ll be the first to admit. I struggle. Day in, day out. Just ask my husband. Do you know how many times I’ve said I don’t want to be a mom in the last 9 months? Too many to count and I’m ashamed with myself. Because I love her to death, I just wasn’t mentally prepared for any of this. But how can you be when no one tells you how it is. I’ve had breakdown after breakdown but I keep going. Because this isn’t something I can just quit. And even after all the doubts I see how much she loves me and I realize I’m obviously doing something right. 
I don’t share all of this for pity, I share it because motherhood is a tribe. It’s not something you should ever feel alone in. So if by writing this, I help someone out, then I’ve done my job. Just realize you’re never alone in motherhood. We all have our own silent struggles but there’s no better mama for your baby than you. <3

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